An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
I had to come out one more time to take a look. I had a lot of fun and spent a lot of time out here. Our kids grew up out here.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.