George Carlin Humorous Quotations

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves.

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

A pear is a failed apple.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?