David Letterman News Quotations

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'

CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for.

I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain.

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.