Demetri Martin Trying Quotations

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.

When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I'll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball." So I'd try. "Conclusion: I cannot play basketball."

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!

I call it 'new forms'. When you're starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you're a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music... I gotta carry the show, that's the problem.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of show farting out of the equation.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.