Emo Philips Humor Quotations

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.