Funny Quotations | Page 6

You can be funny and say what you mean; these ideas are not mutually exclusive. Some of the best jokes came from people who meant it. See: Pryor, Bruce, Carlin, etc.

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.

It's funny. Of all the jobs I've been ambitious for, this is one that never crossed my mind.

I suppose anybody just losing it and sputtering curses is pretty funny. But I think it would be more of a challenge, much more of a challenge, to make a cursing dad funny.

It's funny, one of the reasons why I never wear my glasses any more is that, when I was younger, a guy once said that he liked me until he found out that I wear glasses.

It's a funny thing when you think you're dead. You're not terrified of it anymore. There's a sort of a epiphany to religious thing; it's not sort of church-based, but you end up with a serenity which you didn't have before, and I just simply enjoy it. It really does sound stupid, but I've got to tell you it's made my life.

It was a long time ago: 'Angela's Ashes' by Frank McCourt. It was a great story that was lasting, and I loved it so much. I also love Nora Ephron. I gobble up everything she writes. Also, I love Anthony Bourdain, very irreverent and funny.

It's funny: people who meet me say, 'I thought you'd be different.' But I'm still the same guy.

Now the point of comedy is not just looking funny, it's use of language. We have at our disposal a great language... and the imaginative, creative use of that language can be at the service of humour.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

I grew up with an extremely funny dad, and my mom is super funny.

I'm a fan of the old 'Creature Features' like 'Critters,' and 'Gremlins' and 'Tremors.' 'Jaws' is classic. It's funny that I still like those films because I remember my mom would tease me about getting a pet Critter to keep under my bed.

I want to be known for my performances and doing my craft well, not for funny stuff I post on Twitter or whatever.

I'm not a person who can spontaneously say funny things.

I hope I never get so old I get religious.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

Baloney is flattery laid on so thick it cannot be true, and blarney is flattery so thin we love it.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard, there's nothing you can do.

It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realized I'd become an actor.

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.

The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.

All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

For students today, only 10 percent of children from working-class families graduate from college by the age of 24 as compared to 58 percent of upper-middle-class and wealthy families.

Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.

Prediction is very difficult, especially if it's about the future.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Every animal leaves traces of what it was; man alone leaves traces of what he created.

Young man, the secret of my success is that an early age I discovered that I was not God.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Ozzy wanted to get us back together. It's been 20 years. We did a couple of songs during his farewell in 1992 and that got the ball rolling.

People always say life is short. I've never been convinced of that - mine seems to have a tendency to go on and on.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

I am happy to know that my husband regards me as a woman and a person.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

It's funny, we all really, really got along. I don't know how it was in years past but this year, I was really with a good group of people. No one tried to sabotage each other or steal the other ones moments.

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.

A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it.

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

I got the nickname Spitfire for a reason - I burned inside to play volleyball.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I seated ugliness on my knee, and almost immediately grew tired of it.

Originally I had planned to write just a couple of children's books and then, return the focus on adult literature. A funny thing happened along the way - I kept having new ideas, and then I looked up one day, and 30 years had passed!

I think it's important to find humor anywhere you can. In real life, with the darkest, scariest, most intense moments, if you can find something funny, that's good.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Can't you read? The score demands 'con amore,' and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!

You must lose everything in order to gain anything.

There's nothing less funny than someone who looks cool. There's nothing more unappealing.

I don't have a type looks-wise, but all my exes have been funny, open-minded and ambitious. I can't stand men with no passion in life.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

I did a film called 'Black Dynamite' that was very, very funny. That seems to be a film that's kind of a cult classic.